An Interview With A Baby

I found a void in my marketing department towards babies (my blog readers are mostly over 18), and so I posted a job listing looking for an experienced 4-month old to fill the position. The following is a transcript of one the interviews that I conducted (I was given permission to publish this):
Standard Resume
Me: Thanks for making time for this interview today.
Baby: Oh no, thank you for having me. You actually caught me at a good time, I just finished a feed. This is when I’m happiest, breastmilk is the best milk!

Me: Ok…. Tell me a little about yourself?
Baby: Well, I actually moved to this town not long ago as I was reassigned here from my previous location. I also just discovered I have hands recently, and I’m quite ready to put them to work.

Me: What are you passionate about?
Baby: I would say pacifiers are a big passion of mine. There’s something very soothing about self soothing. More recently, I have actually taken up this whole “trying to flip over” craze. It’s all the rage these days, one minute you’re on your stomach... the next minute you’re on your back.

Me: What is your greatest strength?
Baby: Well I’d have to say it’s my smile. It gets folks every time, in fact I’m going to try it now.

Me: Awww… That’s very cute!
Baby: Should I keep doing it?
My cousin
Me: Ummm… No we have to move on. Naturally the question that follows is what’s your greatest weakness?
Baby: I would say not being able to sit on my own is difficult to deal with, and it’s not something I actually like to talk about, in fact it’s quite embarrassing. However, I can promise it’s something I can work on, and I know I’ll improve.

Me: I have to say that it’s going to be a little tough to do this job without being able to sit. Have you had any other work experience?
Baby: I’m sorry, what did you say? I was tweeting… this whole bendable iPhone thing has really inspired my fellow twitter followers. The baby world has longed for the day we can bend a cellphone.

Me: (Sigh) I have to say this isn’t making a good impression, and I’ve got other candidates lined up for the position.
Baby: Ok… well… can I have this pen on your desk please? It looks delicious, and I have to apologize, but it’s the reason I’ve been drooling this entire time.

Me: No, you cannot have the pen. You get one final question, and I have to move on. Where do you see yourself in 25 years?
Baby: I see myself as Batman
Artwork by Saleh Heneidi 
Me: What did you just say?
Baby: I’m Batman. In 25 years.

Me: I see… well, that completely changes everything. How about a job at Bailony Pediatrics?


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