Confessions Of A Pediatrician

The following are the secret confessions of a general pediatrician. These are meant to be a humorous look at the otherwise quite serious field of pediatrics.

• I like to measure my strength by the weight of a child that I can pick up and put on the examining table. This becomes a bit strange however when the patients are teenagers.

• Note to parents: I am a pediatrician, but this does not mean that I know everything about children. For example, I don’t know what the best kind of humidifier is. I don’t have children. Also, I’m pretty sure Amazon.com is a better resource.

• I’VE NEVER WATCHED “FROZEN” OR THE LEGO MOVIE. However, I do ask kids to sing the “Frozen” song, I still don’t know what it is… but none the less, it sounds like a good song.

• Once again, I don’t have children… but I am curious, are baby diapers always full of poop? Because that’s what it seems like… or maybe they just like to poop when they see me.

• Sometimes I tell children that I see Dora the Explorer in their ear…. It is a flat-out lie.

  

  Artwork by Saleh Heneidi

• One time a baby came to my office on St. Patrick’s Day not wearing green. He wound up getting a circumcision. It was the worst pinch ever.

• The thing that sucks about electronic medical records is that they are on a computer, and so is Facebook. Facebook usually wins.

• If babies knew what they were forced to wear they would be so pissed.
  

• I speak Spanish a lot as a second language at my job. In fact, I speak so much Spanish that I forget other languages exist. One time I was trying to speak to a mom that only spoke Japanese and I asked “¿Cómo estás?” She just stared back at me…

• What is Doc McStuffins??

  

  One of us is cute

• The only way to examine a 15 month old without them thinking you are the devil is to not examine them at all.

• One day I hope a parent comes in with a chief complaint of: “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

• Most kids that frequent my office these days know how to use an iPhone, but every now and then a child comes in who knows how to use an Android... Those kids are geniuses.